 |
You are free to use content from this page in your blog or website, in return for a link back to this page from that blog or website.
What Do the Words 'I Don't Love You Anymore? Really Mean'
Have you been blindsided by an unhappy spouse who suddenly announced, "I don't love you anymore"? If so, then you know that these words can split a marriage wide open, along with the heart of the partner who may not have suspected that anything was wrong.
Like most spouses in your situation, you may be confused and struggling to understand what those five ominous words "I don't love you anymore" really mean. Let's look at four of the possibilities:
1. Your Spouse May Have Confused Feelings
The most common situation is that the partner has doubts about his feelings. A more accurate wording might be: "I don't think that I love you anymore, but I'm not absolutely sure."
If this is what your spouse means, you can often use this doubt, even if it's only a very small doubt, to buy time for your marriage. Your spouse may be more likely to agree to go to marriage counseling while he takes additional time to determine if he really wants to leave the marriage or not.
Rather than framing an appeal to your spouse as doing you a favor, say instead, "Please don't throw away your investment of time in our marriage yet." This request reminds him that he's losing something if he walks away.
Help him recall all the energy, hard work, and dreams he has invested in the marriage so far. He may conclude that it just makes good sense for him to wait until he's absolutely sure about what he wants to do.
2. The Romance May Be Gone
Another meaning the words "I don't love you anymore" can have is that your spouse feels she loves you but that she is not IN love with you any longer. This is usually extremely difficult for the other spouse to comprehend. How can she say that she loves you but not in a romantic way, more like a friend or sibling? What does she mean'
When she says "I love you, but I'm not IN love with you," she may feel that she has been the main one trying to keep romance alive. She may have told you that she wished you communicated more or would take more initiative in planning romantic or fun things to do. She has probably tried to initiate discussions about her needs or how the two of you could feel more bonded.
It's likely that in the past your spouse has suggested you both go to marriage counseling, all to no avail. She probably feels that her pleas have fallen on deaf ears. Her perception may be that you don't value the relationship because you have been unwilling to make changes that are important to her.
She eventually may resign herself to the fact that you aren't going to change. Her feelings of sexual desire and romantic attraction often diminish over time until the passionate spark is no longer there. She still cares about you, but she doesn't feel romantic toward you any longer.
It's impossible to predict which sparks can be fanned back into flames. Some spouses will leave anyway, saying that it's too late, that the other spouse has waited too long to start taking acton. Other spouses may be deeply touched by the partner's depth of feeling and efforts to change. They may agree to stay in the marriage and see what's possible with both partners working on the relationship.
3. Abuse Almost Always Puts Out the Flame
A third possibility is that your spouse has shut down loving feelings towards you because of physical, verbal, or emotional abuse. It's not hard to predict that partners who are threatened, slapped, verbally put down, constantly criticized, and unappreciated would not be likely to have loving feelings toward the abuser. Often they have no other choice but to leave the marriage in order to protect themselves and their children.
If you have a history of being abusive in any way to your spouse or children, it's time to find an experienced therapist to help you. You will want to look at yourself in the mirror of a trained professional's eyes. Often abusers themselves were abused as children. Abusive behavior was ingrained in them at a very young age.
If this is your case, know that you can't help the environment you grew up in. What you can do is to make sure your loved ones are protected from it. Often people act out unconsciously the patterns they were taught as kids, only to perpetuate the cycle by acting the same way with their own families. The good news is that this vicious cycle can be stopped if you are willing to get help.
4. Addiction Can Kill Love
A fourth possibility is that if you have an addiction, your spouse may have had all he can endure. Addictions can take many different forms. Common addictions include alcohol or drug abuse, gambling, sexual addiction, and compulsive spending. Any of these behaviors can destroy a marriage.
The pain, confusion, and problems associated with living with a spouse who drinks until she passes out on the sofa each night can certainly dull romantic excitement. More often than not, the person drinking or using drugs doesn't think she has a serious problem.
When the person is confronted about the drinking or drug use, a standard comeback is "I'm not an alcoholic (or druggie) because I can stop anytime I want to." This is called denial, and many marriages have been wrecked because of it. For there to be any glimmer of hope that the marriage can be salvaged, the spouse with the addiction must be motivated and willing to seek help.
In an ideal world, your partner would be able to tell you in a clear, coherent fashion what his experience in the marriage has been, at what point his feelings for you changed, and why. If your spouse can do this, you're fortunate.
Since people vary in their depth of self-understanding and the ability to communicate feelings, you may have more difficulty in getting immediate answers to your questions. And your spouse may still be trying to put all of the pieces together himself. When he says he doesn't know why his feelings have changed, he may be telling the truth.
You may never know everything involved in your partner's shift from being in love with you to not wanting to be in the marriage, but it's important to understand what's happened as much as possible. That's where counseling can help.
You can tell your spouse that whether your marriage makes it or not, you need to process what has happened and take responsibility for your part. State that it will be really difficult and painful for you if the two of you end your marriage without even trying marriage counseling.
Your goal in entering counseling is to learn more about yourself and your partner, to improve your relationship skills, and to buy time for the marriage while you tackle the problems. That puts you in the best position to explore why the embers of love have died and to see if they can be fanned into flames once again.
Tips adapted from the book Keep Your Marriage: What To Do When Your Spouse Says "I don't love you anymore!" by Nancy J. Wasson, Ph.D. and Lee Hefner. Available as an e-book at http://www.KeepYourMarriage.com. , where you can also sign up for the free Keep Your Marriage Internet Magazine. Contact Nancy at Nancy@KeepYourMarriage.com.
Cat 267
|
Love Cards: What Your Birthday Reveals About You and Your Personal...
|
|
|
The Love Dare by Alex Kendrick and Stephen Kendrick (2008, Paperback)
|
|
|
HOW TO MAKE ANYONE FALL IN LOVE WITH YOU BY LEIL LOWNDES(Hardcover)
|
|
|
The Love Dare Book + Love Dare 40 Cards COMBO Set
|
|
|
The Sex Bible: The Complete Guide to Sexual Love by Susan Crain Bakos (2008,...
|
|
|
NEW, THE WORDS OF NELSON MANDELA. LET FREEDOM REIGN.
|
|
|
My Sister the Vampire Collection 8 Book Set Sienna Mercer Star Style, Love Bites
|
|
|
Marley & Me: Life And Love With the World's Worst Dog by John Grogan (2005,...
|
|
|
The 5 Love Languages: The Secret to Love That Lasts by Gary D. Chapman (2010,...
|
|
|
Beyond Words by John Ruszkiewicz, Christy Friend and Daniel Anderson (2008,...
|
|
|
FALLING IN LOVE FOR ALL THE RIGHT REASONS BY DR. NEIL CLARK WARREN BOOK- $22.95
|
|
|
NEW - The Love Revolution by Joyce Meyer
|
|
|
Love Is a Mix Tape: Life and Loss, One Song at a Time by Rob Sheffield (2007,...
|
|
|
How We Love: Discover Your Love Style, Enhance Your Marriage by Kay Yerkovich...
|
|
|
Passion and Purity: Learning to Bring Your Love Life Under Christ's Control...
|
|
|
ALPHABET JUICE-Energies, Gists, & Spirits of Letters, Words-ROY BLOUNT-Superb!!
|
|
|
NEW Underwater Love - Davidson, MaryJanice
|
|
|
In His Sights: A True Story of Love and Obsession by Kate Brennan
|
|
|
The 5 Love Languages: The Secret to Love That Lasts by Gary D. Chapman (2010,...
|
|
|
Healing Words by Kathryn Kuhlman and Larry Keefauver (1997, Hardcover)
|
|
|
Courtney Love HOLE magazine CLIPPINGS photos articles
|
|
|
NEW Raw & Beyond - Boutenko, Victoria/ Love, Elaina/ Sa
|
|
|
Lillian Too's Love in a Box by Lillian Too (2002, Hardcover)
|
|
|
Living Crazy Love: An Interactive Workbook for Individual or Small-group...
|
|
|
Dream: The Words and Inspiration of Martin Luther King, Jr. by Blue Mountain...
|
|
|
JOHN FUHRMAN REJECT ME I LOVE IT 21 SECRETS TURNING REJECTION TO DIRECTION DEAL
|
|
|
Baby Love: Healthy, Easy, Delicious Meals for Your Baby
|
|
|
New: In Celebration of Women: A Selection of Words
|
|
|
Rude Hand Gestures of the World: A Guide to Offending without Words, Romana Lefe
|
|
|
Having Words with God New Christian Book Religion
|
|
|
Romantic Love (How to Be Head Over Heels and Still Land on Your Feet)
|
|
|
NEW Love by the Numbers - Mccants, Glynis 9781402244629
|
|
|
How to Stay Married and Love Every Minute of It - Jack Exum (1988)
|
|
|
The Power of Your Words: How God Can Bless Your Life Th
|
|
|
The Sixty Minute Marriage Builder: An Hour of Reading for a Lifetime of Love
|
|
|
The Five Love Languages: How to Express Heartfelt Commitment to Your Mate by Gar
|
|
|
I Can Make You Thin: Love Food, Lose Weight-Paul McKenna
|
|
|
Diana: Her True Story in Her Own Words by Andrew Morton (1997, Hardcover,...
|
|
|
|
|
|
RELATED ARTICLES
The Sponge Pattern
Relationships. They're complicated, right? At least that's what we've been told, well, since childhood, girlhood, womanhood'whatever. The point is they're not easy. Growing up, adults try to explain away the differences between men and women in every way imaginable. "Boys tease you because they like you." "Women are more in-tune with their emotions than men." When I was in my first relationship, my dad (yeah, that's right, my DAD! Ughh!!!) gave me this book by a doctor named John Gray. Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus, was the name of it. I'm sure you've heard of it, or perhaps even read it (I, myself, only made it through about 30 pages or so). Even if you haven't read it, even if you didn't know it was actually a book, I'm sure you've heard that "men are from Mars, women are from Venus" thing used in conversation, on TV, somewhere, everywhere. Well, it certainly seems sometimes, (all right'all the time), that men are from a different planet. But, what happens when you start dating guys that are all not just from Mars, but from the same country in Mars, state, even city? What happens when every guy you end up with, seems, well, like the same guy?
A Heat-scar Named Desire
Where on earth is my "play on words" taking me with this one?
Rhubarb Romance: A Little Honey Works Wonders
Spring is in the air. It is a time of new life. There are green grass, kittens, puppies, and rhubarb.
Whats in a Kiss
Just think of being in front of a warm cracking with you partner in your hands, with a kiss and a cuddle. But have you ever thought about why people kiss? It could be a greeting or a sign of affection, but we all kiss.
Relationship Habits
How many of you have ever been involved with a significant other who wanted you to do something you didn't want to do? I doubt that I'm the only one. By virtue of a significant other relationship, there will be times when our partners will want us to do things we don't necessarily want to do and conversely, there will be times when we will want our partners to do things they don't want to do.
Are the Neighbors Next Door Secretly Swinging'
The swinging lifestyle does not discriminate against race, body type, sexuality, social standing or financial stability. There are people successfully living the lifestyle from all walks of life.
Friends and Friendship - Who are Friends, What is Friendship
A friend loves at all times, and a brother is born for adversity. (Proverbs 17:17)
Relationship Advice for Women - Beyond the Happy Ending - Part 3 - The Jealousy Syndrome
Jealousy, unfortunately it seems to pop up sometime in even the happiest relationships. Jealousy can happen to anyone, male or female, young or old. Sometimes it is justified; sometimes it's about things imagined. Either way, it is an ugly, unwanted feeling. In talking to women, I have found a few common sources of jealousy that we as the female species seem to feel. All of these do not apply to all women, but this is a general consensus.
Relationship Advice: Words Can Hurt or Heal
"Stick and stones, may break my bones, but words will never hurt me."
Reading Body Language in Depth
Body Language can tell you a lot about what is happening in a relationship in so many ways. Is somebody feeling distant, having second thoughts, or are they going to go home rip off all your clothes and make wild, passionate love to you as soon as you close the front door.
A Look at Interracial Relationships
There's something about America, our history, our values or maybe the very contradictions of our society that can still make interracial relationships a lot more difficult than others. Most relationships deal with mostly internal pressures with perhaps a little added tension from family or friends. Interracial relationships deal with all of the usual difficulties plus negative input from society at large, which means that people you don't even know and have never met will have an opinion about your relationship, often negative, simply because two people from different groups have fallen in love.
Is Your Relationship Worth Fighting For
Sometimes when a relationship has gone sour, our efforts are used trying to repair it, or "get it back", while the best thing to do might be to look at things in a different perspective. Is the relationship worth fighting for or is it truly a lost cause. There are a few things you can think about while trying to sort things through.
Relationship Advice: 4 Steps to a Genuine Apology
A genuine apology contains at least four elements: apology, acknowledgment, forgiveness and repentance.
Romance Matters
You are never too old and it is never too late to romance that special someone whom you love. There are so many things to do and so many ways to do it. So often, we have merely gotten out of the habit.
Passions Search for Destiny
She was haunted by a man whom she had never met. He came to her in her dreams. It was not just a reoccurring dream about some random Prince Charming archetype. This guy had flaws, he was just as mixed up and lost as she was. She would wake up from a dead sleep to the sound of his voice whispering in her ear, "Look out the window." She would argue in her half asleep stupor, "Be quiet! I'm sleeping!" Again, he would whisper, "Look out the window." She would eventually drag herself up from the cozy comfort of her bed to gaze out the window. There was the full moon big and beautiful. It magically called to her from somewhere in the back of her soul's oldest memories.
Put Some Z.I.P. Into Your Relationships
Relationships are really what makes the world go 'round, aren't they? I
mean, good, positive, healthy and meaningful relationships provide us with
the richest experiences we have here on this old earth of ours. Your loving
spouse who shares everything with you; that best friend who connects with
you like few others do; the people at work who appreciate you and help you
to become the best that you can be; This is what brings joy to life!
Setting Boundaries: Business Clients and Boyfriends
Setting boundaries is necessary in any human relationship.
Second Fiddle
I have been seeing a married man for the past nine months. He is unhappy but says he is not ready to leave his kids. They have a teenage daughter and a grown son, who is hers from a previous marriage. He is close to them and has a lovely home, which he worked hard for.
Denial Is Not A River In Egypt
Original it ain't, but it still merits repetition: "Denial is not a river in Egypt". What it is, is a highly addictive behaviour.
10 Things You Probably Didnt Know About Signs of Infidelity
Certain things about signs of infidelity come as a surprise to most people. Even people who pride themselves on being knowledgeable about extramarital affairs may be unfamiliar with the little-known facts below. This information is taken from Is He Cheating on You? ' 829 Telltale Signs.
|
