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Q & A: Reuniting With a Lost Love
>1. Who are the prime candidates to rekindle a romance'
The most successful rekindled romances were lost lovers who had been 17 or
younger at the time of the initial romance -- first loves -- and had separated for
situational reasons, like "parents disapproved," "moved away." "went off to college,"
etc. Age of the couples didn't matter -- if they were 18 or 95, the romance worked
the second time. In fact, the older they were for the reunion, the better their
chances of success.
>2. Is Lost & Found Love successful the second time around'
Yes! In my sample of 2000 people worldwide, ages 18 to 95, 72% of them reported
that they are "still together" with their lost and found lover. And these weren't just
"good" romances; these were wildly sexual, soul mate reunions. Absence really does
make the heart grow fonder!
>3. What if the couples had been "first loves"'
First loves had the highest "stay together" rate -- 78% are happily reunited, and
remain blissfully in love over their many years of marriage.
>4. Are rekindled romances more intense than other loves'
Yes. I asked participants to rate the emotional involvement of the rekindled
romance, as compared to all their other loves in the past, and 71% of them said that
this was their most intense romance of all. Additionally, 61% of the participants said
that the rekindled romance started faster than any other romance in the past, and
that the sexual involvement was the BEST (63%).
>5. Why does rekindled love endure'
The couples grew up together, they spent their formative years together, and many
of the first loves reported that the lost love became "the standard" for all their other
romances. They knew each other well - they attended classes together, knew each
other's families and friends, shared roots and values. It is these similarities that
form the strength of the bond. These romances are, at their heart, friendships as
well as romances.
>6. Isn't there some research that suggests that this love might have a biological
component'
Yes. Remember that expression used for teenagers, "ranging hormones'" When
teens are in love for the first time, hormones like oxytocin and vassopressin are
released when the sweethearts are sexually excited. These chemicals form
emotional memories in the brain, stored in an area called the amygdala. When the
lost lovers meet again, those memories are released by the familar sight, smell,
touch, sound of the long lost lover. The feelings are comforting and familiar and
also very sexually arousing!
>7. Why should this book be "required reading" for parents of adolescents'
The most common reason why these romances broke up the first time was "parents
disapproved." Not only disapproved -- many of these couples were forcefully
broken apart by the parents, with threats to their children, or manipulations such as
hiding letters from the sweetheart. When these couples reunited, they were very
bitter and angry at their parents (dead or alive) for costing them many years when
they could have been happily together. Many missed their childbearing years
because of this breakup. And why did the parents react that way? They just "didn't
like the person" their child was dating.
I checked to see how these couples fared a second time; ie, if the parents broke
them apart, were the parents "right" and they broke up a second time? Half of the
time, they broke up again, and half of the time they stayed happily together. And
they is no way to predict, no way for parents to know what's right for their children.
It should make parents think twice before they break up first loves.
>8. What can teenagers learn from this book'
I hear from a lot of teenagers, males and females, who are broken-hearted because
their first loves just "dumped" them. Some say they are suicidal. From my research,
we learn that these are true loves, important loves, that should not be belittled. And
teens should be comforted by the fact that the breakup may not be forever. The first
love might comes back some day. Don't sit around and wait for that, but keep it in
the back of your heart as hope for the future.
>9. Instead of reconnecting with a lost love, what about finding a long lost friend'
It's really the same thing. In fact, many of my couples really weren't in romances the
first time. They were just friends -- sometimes very young friends, like 8 or 9 year
olds. The shared roots are the important part; old friends make us feel comfortable
and we can talk about old times. It's very healing to reunite.
>10. Is there anyone who should avoid seeking a Lost Love'
Yes. If one or both members of the couple are married to someone else. don't go
there! Don't even look up the person to say hello. Even good marriages were put in
jeopardy by lost loves. The people just didn't realize that the feelings come back
VERY strongly.
And if the person was abusive in any way the first time, forget a reunion.
Personalities don't change. The couples in my study who succeeded with a happy
reunion had been situationally pulled apart the first time; they did NOT check the
box "we weren't getting along well."
>11. What is your first piece of advice to anyone who is considering finding a lost
love'
These are very intense romances. Before you begin any dialogue with a lost love, ask
yourself if you could handle whatever occurred -- a rejection, a romance, another
breakup with that person. If the answer to any of these is "no," it's best not to try.
But if you are single, divorced, or widowed, it might be the best thing that ever
happened to you.
copyright 2005 by Nancy Kalish, Ph.D.
all rights reserved
You have permission to publish this article electronically or in print, free of charge,
as long as the bylines are included. A courtesy copy of your publication would be
appreciated.
ABOUT THE AUTHOR:
Nancy Kalish, Ph.D. is a psychology professor at California State Univ. and the
author of Lost & Found Lovers. She is the international expert on rekindled
romances, lost loves, and first love, and has appeared on Oprah, 20/20, NPR, CNN,
and Montel, to name a few. Her research has been discussed in Dear Abby,
Redbook, The Chicago Tribune, Parade, and Men's Health, among many others. Visit
her popular web site at http://www.lostlovers.com
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