Defining Relationship Commitment For Todays Couples
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Defining Relationship Commitment For Todays Couples |
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Defining Relationship Commitment for Todays Couples
WHAT IS COMMITMENT' A commitment is explicit and unambiguous. A commitment is a formal event of some kind between two people. A commitment is something you DO over time. A real commitment is usually legally enforceable and there are consequences for breaking it. And, for a relationship to be truly committed, there are no exits- mentally, emotionally, or physically. When the going gets rough, you make it work. CONTINUUM OF COMMITMENT Commitment is not a light switch that goes from "off" to "on." When building a relationship with someone, the level of commitment gradually increases. Then you have all the shades of gray. living together, dating exclusively for more than a year, even engaged to be married, that might look and feel like commitment, but is it really' FACT VS. ATTITUDE Commitment in a relationship is complicated in that it takes two people, and it requires an alignment of FACT (events, actions) and ATTITUDE (thoughts, beliefs) for both of them. It is common to be committed in fact (e.g. "married") but not in attitude (e.g. "I'm not sure this is the right relationship for me"). It is also common to be pre-committed in fact (e.g. dating exclusively) and committed in attitude (e.g. "This is 'The One!' "). In my work with couples I have found that the most important variable determining their future success is their level of commitment to the relationship. In my experience, when couples are committed in fact, but not in attitude, their prognosis is poor. Then, there are the pre-committed couples that generally fall into two categories- UNCONSCIOUS- typically following the "mini-marriage" model of trying the relationship out, acting committed without actually making the commitment. A disconnect of fact and attitude. CONSCIOUS- aware that they are not yet committed, usually have commitment as a goal, asking themselves "Is this the right relationship for me? Should I make a commitment'" An alignment of fact and attitude. CONCLUSION So, when is a relationship committed' -- When there is an alignment of fact and attitude. What creates the "fact" of commitment' I propose these three criterion:
In today's world, if all three of the above are met, I would say it is a committed relationship, whether legally married or not. I sincerely hope this article helps address the common questions about commitment that arise in relationship coaching. There are no pat answers or prescriptions, but it is my hope that these ideas and concepts will help you have productive conversations with your clients that are caught in the gray areas to support them to make effective relationship choices. 2005 by Relationship Coaching Institute / All rights reserved http://www.relationshipcoachinginstitute.com David Steele is a California-based Marriage and Family Therapist and Relationship Coach, founder and CEO of Relationship Coaching Institute. He is the author of "Conscious Dating: Finding the Love of Your Life in Today's World" and innovative relationship coaching programs for singles and couples, as well as practice development programs and books for private practice professionals. For more information about David and his programs please visit http://www.davidsteeleonline.com Cat 267 |
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